ADAM

I wanted to fall in love with you before you got old. I mean I’m getting old too so I’m not an ageist, I just mean before you got ugly and fat and no one wanted you anymore and while I’m still attractive. That way we can be undesirable together and then I wont be alone and when I think about getting older I wont get lonely. Is that shellfish? 

 

SAM

Selfish.

 

ADAM

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say anymore.

Yesterday I was in the park and I found a crayon on top of one of those statues of an old man who no one knows. Banana Mania. It looked like normal yellow but I tasted it and I can assure you it definitely definitely definitley was banana mania. And I thought about you. And how you’re dad beat you when you were a little bitty witty kid. I thought about that.  I just wanted to say, I think I still love you. 

 

SAM and JUNE:

Who are you talking to?

 

ADAM:

Ummm. You. 

 

SAM and JUNE:

Me?

 

ADAM:

Exactly 

 

SAM

Ladies first. 

 

JUNE

Great. Thank you Adam for that incredible Shel Silverstin moment. It’s always nice to meet you where the sidewalk is crumbling. I just wanted to tell you that I got tested.

 

ADAM and SAM

Did you pass?

 

JUNE

No.  Yes. I mean it’s not like that. I got tested for-

 

SAM

Great. 

 

ADAM AND JUNE:

What?

 

SAM

He’s telling us he’s got the fag disease. Did you get the fag disease?

 

JUNE

Is that what they’re calling it in Africa?

 

ADAM

But its fine cause (we always)- 

 

JUNE

(Never) -

 

ADAM AND JUNE

Wore protection. 

 

 

SAM

Great. And you were worried about babies. 

 

ADAM

 Sometimes you have to accept something one hundred times in a single hour. 

 

JUNE

Like that full dairy moisturizer will clog your pores.

 

ADAM

What?

 

JUNE

Or that the Olsen twins will never return to TV. 

 

ADAM

What?

 

SAM

Or that white lies sound better as promises.

 

ADAM

I never promised you kids. 

 

SAM

You promised to make me happy. 

 

JUNE

Or that Whitney Houston will update her blog. 

 

SAM

I gave you everything it feels like. 

 

ADAM

I still have that coffee table that you gave me and I make sure to put anything and everything on it besides coffee. Stuff that says I’m an academic but also frugal. Like a vintage reader’s digest or a copy of Where the Wild Things Were. I like it cause its weird and it gives the room a little- 

 

ADAM JUNE AND SAM

Ooomf! (Louder) 

 

ADAM

Maybe a little more like- 

 

ADAM JUNE AND SAM 

Oomf. (Quieter) 

 

ADAM

Not like all our friends boring apartments with their mass-produced Target prints of a tree in the spaghetti. 

 

SAM

Serengeti.

 

ADAM

Or Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn in white and black, or a city at night, or a crested wave. No you’re pretty original you are.

 

SAM AND JUNE

You are. 

 

ADAM

Shut up.  (To SAM) There’s no one like you Banana Mania